Originally published June 15, 2014
A good observer, Heraclitus. Writing in 500 BCE he felt that only the philosopher, the pursuer of truth, was fully alive. I, as an observer and an amateur philosopher, beg to differ. Living is often far too complex for the luxury of contemplation; and yet it is that contemplation that keeps us on the path to who we are.
Change, and no change, is something I deal with daily. It is really imperative that I at least attempt to stick to a regimental routine in order to keep my husband comfortable and less subject to aggravation. I’m about to change that routine.
It has been becoming rather apparent that a bit of “air” would be a very good thing. The lovely folks at the local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association have suggested, rather strongly, that I seek some form of respite care. I really don’t face some of the problems that many do in my circumstances. My husband is, basically, quite healthy. However, when he gets focused on something, and nothing I can do can redirect him, well, it does get a bit intense. It is, I suppose, time to give us both a bit of a break.
I have found a number of helpful people in the organization. Some of whom make suggestions that are not suited to my goals. Some, however, are very much on point. With their help I have determined that it is quite possible to give my husband some time, once a week, to be with other people. Some of whom were in professional careers before they found themselves derailed by mental illness. It might just work. This week is the trial run.
That’s the scary part. Although he will insist at times that he has to go somewhere else, that he is getting kicked out, or any other number of theories that places him away from our home; he is quite frightened when faced with the possibility that I might leave him. This is a major step for both of us. Me taking him somewhere and leaving him with strangers – leaving him – all alone.
I am told that I should use the time for me, take a nap, write — do something with some sense of freedom. I’m afraid that after 3 ½ years it might take some practice. I approach this whole event with some trepidation. But I know that letting go in small ways is part of making it possible to keep him with me. I may have found people who understand that and will help me make it happen.
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